Advice To David Cameron

Planning for defeat (ie a coalition) will guarantee defeat.

Question For The Liberal Democrats

Question: What's the difference between "specifc" and "non specific" allegatiuons of sexual misconduct?

Answer: There isn't unless you are Nick Clegg trying to "prove" that he hadn't heard about "specific" allegations until last week.

Never Mind The Quality, Feel The Width

Cameron and Clegg need to understand that it is not the quantity of policy measures on which people will judge the "success" or otherwise of the coalition, but the quality.

Tories Raise The White Flag To UKIP

With calls from Michael Fabricant, the Tory vice chairman for campaigning, for a pact with Ukip it seems that the Tories are not only raising the white flag to Ukip but also admitting the defeat of  maintaining a coalition with the Liberal Democrats.

To admit defeat some 3 years before the next election is hardly a winning strategy.

The Coalition Is Crap

Based on it performance to date, and taking into account U turns, failed policies and the ongoing omnishambles of bureaucratic cock ups etc I have concluded that the Coalition is utter crap.

I await the day that it can be consigned to the dustbin of history!

Advice To Nick Clegg

Don't call potential voters "bigots", just because you don't agree with their views!

Beware The GIMP

Paul Waugh has tweeted the following:

"No.10 reveals Govt's answer to no growth: a new "Growth Implementation Committee". 

The sharp eyed amongst you will of course have realised that the acronym for this is "GIMP"!

Reshuffling The Deckchairs

Cameron is reshuffling his cabinet, expect lots of "new initiatives" and announcements but no change in course!

Cameron Frets Over Legacy

It seems that David Cameron's days in office are numbered. That at least is the conclusion one must draw if the report in the Telegraph about Cameron fretting over his legacy is anything to go by:

"Cameron has started to wonder where his Government is going, and has been asking aides what his legacy will be."

As I noted the other day, the government is in office but it is most certainly not in power. The Telegraph agrees:

"Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne do not regard themselves as being in power, but instead believe they are trapped – by the opinion polls, by the Liberal Democrats, by the Civil Service, by the bond markets, or by all four."

Where to now for Cameron and Osborne?

Wherever the opinion polls lead and the LIEBOR scandal leads!

David Cameron's Confusion

I don't understand why David Cameron is giving advice to Greek politicians to "get on with it" given the fact that the coalition that he "cobbled together" is hardly a blue print for stable, effective, competent and professional governance.

Cameron Looks For Scapegoats

Politicians, when all else fails, seek scapegoats.

David Cameron is no exception and, for reasons best known to himself, has decided to blame accountants for the coalition's unpopularity with the electorate. Cameron is of the view that accountants are tainted with a negative brand value, and that voters have associated the coalition with accountants.

This is all in your mind David, the reality is that voters don't like your policies and are fed up with the coalition's incompetence (eg the Heathrow UKBA clusterfuck and the Jerrycan Crisis).

Oh, and by the way, accountants have a perfectly decent brand value; it is only tainted when accountants are associated with politicians!

The Heathrow Clusterfuck - No Minister!

On 30th April the hapless and hopeless Damian Green (Immigration Minister) told Parliament:

"that the weather was to blame for a "blip" in arrival processing time at Heathrow"

He also denied that arrivals' processing was taking 3 hours.

On 1st May Green blamed the hapless passengers for being "confused" about how long the delays really were.

His lies have now quite rightly been exposed, BAA have produced figures that show that the immigration queue at Terminal 4 reached three hours.

Will Green be claiming that BAA are confused as well?

To add to the sense of government confusion and mismanagement over this issue, it seems that Theresa May (the Home Secretary) is very wisely set to introduce risk base profiling for immigration processing; this will radically reduce the time taken to process arrivals at Heathrow.

The funny thing is that this risk base profiling was the very reason that she sacked Brodie Clark, the former head of the UK Border Force, in November 2011. She claimed, at the time, that he had relaxed immigration checks without her authorisation.

I wonder what he will say about this?

When looking at the performance of the coalition the phrase "piss up in a brewery" springs to mind

Do Panic!

Last month I wrote:

"Congratulations to the coalition government for providing an object lesson in how to turn a drama into a crisis, by causing panic buying of petrol and a petrol shortage in the run up to a possible tanker drivers' strike."

Well now it appears that the government, contrary to popular belief, really did have a plan.

Yes, really!

The plan was not to help us drive during a tanker strike, but to save the country from recession by manipulating the statistics.

The panic buying of petrol has in fact saved the UK from recession:

"Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) showed a 1.8% month-on-month increase in retail sales volumes and a 3.3% year-on-year rise. The increase was above economist forecasts, and were partly helped by a 4.9% increase in petrol purchases."

Huzaah!

Well done the coalition government for saving us from the recession, and for showing us all that you really do know how to manipulate people!

Dorset Police Close Petrol Stations

Well done Francis Maude and the coalition government, see what you have done!

"Dorset Police is advising members of the public not to panic buy fuel following reports of traffic congestion at petrol stations around the county.

Chief Inspector Nick Maton said: “There is no disruption to the fuel supply in the UK and members of the public should not panic buy.

“The actions of some motorists in queueing irresponsibly at petrol stations is causing danger to other road users.

“Police are taking action, requesting petrol stations to close temporarily in order to keep traffic flowing.

“Once the queues have dispersed, the petrol stations may re-open for short periods.”

"To clarify, Dorset Police is not closing all petrol stations in the county.

“Dorset Police will only be requesting the closure of the petrol stations worst affected by congestion in order to keep traffic flowing.

"Requests of this nature will be made direct from Dorset Police officers to designated petrol stations where necessary. "

Oh for the halcyon seventies, when we had shortages of sugar, potatoes and toilet rolls caused by panic buying!

Coming soon: Martial Law!

Run on Jerrycans

Not only had the coalition government caused panic buying of petrol and pasties, but it has now also caused a run on jerrycans.

Halfords says it has a seen a rise of 467% in demand for jerrycans.

How not to "manage" a crisis!

Don't Panic!

Congratulations to the coalition government for providing an object lesson in how to turn a drama into a crisis, by causing panic buying of petrol and a petrol shortage in the run up to a possible tanker drivers' strike.

Seemingly thanks to government advice, as people start queueing at petrol stations and some petrol stations start to ration supplies, UK petrol sales have risen by 43% within the space of a week.

Meanwhile Francis Maude's daft advice that people should fill jerrycans has been withdrawn. Roads minister Mike Penning said that Maude's advice had been "a mistake by the cabinet minister. He didn't understand the size of a jerrycan. He has apologised since".

George Osborne - "Briefs" Not "Leaks"

George Osborne, having presented the most leaked budget in history, has defended the leaks by telling the Treasury Select Committee that the risks of leaks were heightened because of the fact that the government is a coalition.

He has also claimed that specific tax policies, rates and reliefs weren't leaked; "only" the “general experiences of future government intent” can be/were "briefed".

Snort!

When I was a lad, anyone leaking the slightest detail about the budget would have been flogged.